Ray Ray and the Pigskin Prophecy

With God picking winners, you'd think the Blue Devils wouldn't be so successful...
With God picking winners, you’d think the Blue Devils wouldn’t be so successful…

Ever wondered why there seems to be a delay in getting a response to those Sunday morning prayers?  Have you considered the fact that God may just be too busy deciding the outcomes of football games to pay attention to your puny requests for safety, shelter, or an A on that midterm?

The man below wants you to know that God is very much in the sports fixing industry and he has pre-ordained the Baltimore Ravens the next champions of the world:

Ray Lewis emerges from the river, baptized in his own rhetoric.
Ray Lewis emerges from the river, baptized in his own rhetoric.

Here’s the thing — he’s totally right. 

Has God not been picking winners since the beginning? I’ve gone to Christian schools long enough to know all about how the Israelistes were God’s chosen people, not because they earned anything but because God decided that they were the ones.  (I’m sure Abraham had a sick benchpress.  Isaac must’ve been heavy kicking and screaming up that hill to the sacrificial altar).

Does God not care about everything his peeps do? To paraphrase the prophet Jeremiah, God knows the plans he has for us, and they are all about our success and happiness in the end.  What could make one happier or feel more successful than a Super Bowl victory and the follow-up trip to Disney World?

Does God not know how everything will turn out? I seem to remember God helping David find some rocks to take down Goliath.  Helping Ray Ray find some deer antler spray to take down the Patriots is pretty much the same thing.  (If you’re unfamiliar with deer antler spray, it’s basically like Popeye’s spinach, except you have to spray it in your mouth several times a day like a Binaca-junkie might do).

Have we not learned anything from the Spanish Conquests? History dictates that might makes right and the evidence of God’s providence is victory over enemies.  When* the Ravens win the Super Bowl on Sunday, will that not prove once and for all that God intended it to be so?  It’s not hard to imagine how repesentatives of a city like San Francisco would have fallen out of divine favor enough to cost them the championship game.  (I swear it’s not all the gays; it’s the fog.  God can’t send signals through that yucky weather).

Make sure you harness the power of the heavens today and not only ask God to help you with the minutia of your life,  but try to set up your requests in a way that makes it clear to God that you’re more special than everyone else around you.  If you just believe hard enough then everything will work out perfectly and God will confirm that he loves you with trophies, money, fame, and just possibly an extra chicken nugget at the bottom of the bag next time you go to McVomit’s.  Heck, even parents have favorite children.  God’s are the kind that beat double murder charges and wear t-shirts with Bible verses on them.

Amen.

*If

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