In Todd We Thrust: The Love Game

Don't worry about it little dude. There are plenty of fish in the sea....
Don’t worry about it little dude. There are plenty of fish in the sea….

I’m willing to bet that you’ve felt like this delicious little Pepperidge Farm special before.  We’ve all found ourselves pining over someone that, for any number of reasons, seemed out of our league.  We attribute value and, ultimately, self-worth based on how we compare to those around us. But just what makes someone desirable?  I’ve identified the four relevant areas of human attraction.  How do you stack up in each?

1. Physical Attraction. Let’s face it.  Your eyes are in the front of your head and your heart is somewhere buried beneath your rib cage and that weird scar you have from the jungle gym incident in 3rd grade. I digress.  Our first means of finding a partner or bedfellow is all about how that person looks.  Whatever you’re into, own it and appreciate it.  If you like big butts and you cannot lie, more power to you.  Whether you get your jollies from a Bieber cut or from snapbacks and tattoos, there’s someone out there who’s got the look you like.   So let’s not pretend that the physical aesthetic is not important.  (Note: if you want to feel truly actualized, have sex with the lights on).

2. Personality. This one could really be broken down into intelligence, humor, ability to not embarrass you in front of your friends or parents, etc.  Now that you haven’t run away at the site of that special someone, do you like what they claim that they are  about?  It is very important to be honest with yourself about your level of neediness.  If you have a whole list of qualities your lover has to have, you’re high maintenance and you should get over yourself.  At the same time, isn’t it wonderful to find someone who doesn’t make you want to kill yourself every time they start talking?  Find someone with compatible baggage and then ride it ’til the wheels fall off.

Speaking of riding it…

3. Horizontal Talent.  You’re the requisite three months or three drinks into the relationship and now it’s time to get down to business.  This is where you really find out the value of points 1 and 2.  If you’re on the fence about that (in)significant other, his or her performance in the sack will seal the deal.  Be careful, the power within the sheets is dangerous and awesome.  You find a plumber that lays good pipe and you might end up settling for second best. (Another note: if you can only be good at one of these skills, master this one.  You and your trifling ass will be granted infinite second chances).

And finally,

4. X Factor. This is where you hunt for reasons to justify your odd attraction after common sense has left the building.  If you’ve said or heard something like, “Yeah he has a goiter, but he’ll cosign for anything,” you understand the X factor.  Sometimes the most important connection we make isn’t the love connection, it’s the convenience connection.  Besides, to whom do you have to justify your relationship with that professor, or your boss, or the guy in the chicken suit that hands out coupons to your favorite dinner spot?

Take some time to evaluate where your strengths are in this scale.  If it seems like you’re near the top in every category, ask a friend who will knock you down a peg to give you a more honest appraisal.  Go ahead, rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (that’s totally healthy right?) and then divide by 4.  That’s your overall desirability number.  Try to find someone within 1.5 of you for optimal mating pleasure.

So how hot are you really?

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