With the shocking news today that Pope Benedict is going to resign, Catholics and Dan Brown fans everywhere are on edge.  Not since the 15th century has a pope resigned and then it was in an effort to avoid a schism.  These are truly historic times.  In light of this, I have some ideas for who could replace soon-to-be Cardinal Ratzinger and lead the Catholic Church into the future.

My top 5 picks for pope are (in no particular order):

Brian Kelly

brian kelly

The head football coach of God’s favorite college team turned a group of overhyped underperformers into almost national champions.  (We know God is all-powerful, but even he can’t stop an SEC running attack).  If Brian can accomplish this more-than-minor miracle in South Bend, Indiana, think about all the good he can do in the other Catholic mecca — you know, the Vatican.

Morgan Freeman

morgan freeman

Morgan may be the winning choice for a several great reasons.  First, the Catholic Church has had some issues with getting its message to relate to a modern audience.  Whenever I hear Morgan Freeman narrate something, I instantly feel better, like it almost makes sense. (This is why I end up looking like an ass trying to explain string theory after watching Through the Wormhole).  Secondly, the church is overdue for a black pope.  The first one should be nonthreatening and acceptable to a large audience.  I don’t think we’d have to worry about Morgan cursing in his homilies or switching up the blood of Christ with Hypnotiq.  Finally, Morgan already has relevant experience playing God.  Whenever anything difficult arose, he could simply quote Bruce Almighty.

Chris Hansen


Let’s face it; it would be great for the Church and even better for the Nielsen ratings if we had a channel dedicated to showing To Catch A Predator: Priest Edition.  And yes, we would need an entire freaking channel.



Perhaps it is time for us to consider a nonhuman for the papacy.  There is no more devoted, pious, and empathetic mutant than noble Nightcrawler.  He loves all God’s creatures and has dedicated his life to the service of others.  Besides, it would be nice to have a pope who could teleport to wherever he was needed and also kick bad guys’ teeth in.

Hilary Clinton

Hillary Clinton at senate hearing

At some point, there will be a female pope.  (At some point hell will freeze over and Beelzebub will hand out free lift tickets, as well, but I digress).  It seems like former Madam Secretary is destined to be the first female something or other.  Is it a coincidence that she stepped down from her post when she did? Plus, after all her years of service to Bill Clinton, Hilary could speak to the nuns about what it’s like being married to a man who isn’t giving you any that everyone else seems to call.

Who’s your pick for the next pope?

6 thoughts on “Pope-pourri”

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