Ladies, are you having trouble keeping the spark in your relationship? Does your man have a wandering eye? Are you dryer down there than the gift bags at a sandpaperer’s convention?
Never fear! The key to all your woes is simply borrowing some tips from the world’s most trustworthy resources — drag queens. For ages, men have been dressing up as women and parading around (see, Shakespeare). There must be something to it. I’m confident, ladies, that if you follow these simple steps and you’ll be back on top* in no time.
*top, bottom, hanging from the car window…whichever you prefer
- Act fishy; don’t smell it. A good queen knows that fishiness, a.k.a. the art of resembling a biological woman, is one of the keys to success. Take a moment and make sure that everything about you is fresh — starting with your attitude. Think about the kind of woman you were when you met your boo. Are you doing the same things or has it started to go south?
- Don’t throw shade. Everyone knows that girls love their gossip. But when the other alley cats gather on the back fence to dish out the latest dirt, do yourself a favor and rise above it. You’ll be less shady and with all your extra time you could learn a useful skill like giving a massage with your mouth closed (until the happy ending, heyyyyy).
- Keep it tucked. Every good queen has a secret. You could spend hours trying to figure out how they can tuck their member into a nearly impossible space and still entertain like a pro. Take a cue, ladies. Keeping a little mystery in your life will make you even more attractive to that special someone.
- Sashay down the runway. When you walk, move with confidence. After all, you’re a pretty badass chick just for being you. Make those jealous bitches eat it. Hold your head up high and walk like you and your 13″ heels have someplace to be.