M.C. Hammer‘s shocked fan awoke to the news that the 2-hit wonder had been arrested on charges related to an altercation after a “routine” traffic stop. (The black man in me insists that “routine” be in quotes here because one never fully knows with any given police department). While what actually happened depends on whether or not you trust Ol’ Fancy Pants’ tweets — follow @MCHammer, but follow me first @TheJulesEye! — we do know that Hammer has vowed to turn this episode into a teachable moment.
So what exactly are we to learn from Mr. Can’t Touch This? I have some ideas…
- First, let us learn to be grateful for Wikipedia. Without it, no one under 25 would have any idea who the hell MC Hammer even is. And, believe me, it would be a shame to ever forget these pants…
- Secondly, let us strive to always be productive. The Hammer Man has been back on the circuit, performing in casinos and motel mirrors and his biggest hits are still…Can’t Touch This and 2 Legit 2 Quit. It’s cool to have classics, but if you can’t write some new shit that pops at least once a decade, you don’t get to go on tour. Recently he had the opportunity to perform with PSY on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest. They did a mash-up of Gangnam Style and 2 Legit to Quit. The crowd alternated between “Yeah!” and “What?”
- Thirdly, let us always remember that just because one is barely relevant doesn’t mean that one cannot borrow a few minutes in the spotlight by turning to social media. Throw a tantrum. Play the race card. Show your ass on Instagram. Whatever you feel like might get you a little extra attention, go for it! The first rule of celebrity is that all press is good press. Trust me when I say this: no matter who you are, no matter where you are, you are at least as relevant as MC-freaking-Hammer. #StirThePot
- And finally, pay your damn car registration! Stop riding dirty and the cops will have less incentive to pull your dumb ass over. Sure, sometimes it’s a case of DWB, but it’s like they say, “If you give a mouse a cookie…”
So thank you, Stanley. (Of course his name is Stanley – no offense). You wanted your ridiculous road trip to be a teachable moment — and it was. I’ve learned a thing or two, not least of which is that you’re still alive.