I Sued My Parents for $200K and all I got was this Lousy Blog Post

Bernard Bey, a 32 year old unemployed homeless man is suing his parents for $200,000 and also wants them to buy a couple Domino’s Pizza franchises and turn them over to him, claiming that the root of all his problems is them not loving him enough.  Read all about here.  (For those of you who know me well, you know this sounds like crackhead behavior more than bum behavior, but that’s a different story altogether).

I can sympathize with Mr. Bey.  There are a lot of people to blame for our life circumstances other than us.  It’s important that we all remember to adopt a victim mentality as often as possible.  This will ensure that when we lay our heads down on that comfortable cardboard pillow, we can feel secure in knowing that we were just unlucky and sometimes that happens.

If that doesn’t work, clog the overcrowded legal system with frivolity. Suing one’s parents for not showing enough love is at least as valid as suing McDonald’s for making hot coffee.  (At least in the case of McDeuce, they need a license to operate; the only requirement for being a parent is working human plumbing).

So here’s to you, Mr. Bey.  Clearly the work you’ve put in as a bum/victim has entitled you to a windfall paycheck and the ownership to a franchise I’m sure you’ll inevitably run into the ground.  But I have learned from your example, and there are some people I’ve decided to sue as well…

For some reason, I don't think I'll be able to get my check cashed here today.
For some reason, I don’t think I’ll be able to get my check cashed here today.
  • For starters, I’m suing South Central Los Angeles.  They say it takes a village to raise a child; well my village was overrun by crime and trash and Chinese restaurants/donut shops.  (Yes, can I have the bok choy and a bear claw please?)  Were it not for growing in the ghetto, maybe my life would be different.  Maybe I wouldn’t have had to work so hard to try to be upward mobile if I didn’t have to start at the damn bottom.  I’ll be expecting my six-figure settlement check very soon, South Central.

jesse-jackson-race-card

  • I’d also like to sue Jesse Jackson.  As the self-appointed voice of black people I feel like he’s not doing a good enough job in making my voice heard.  (Doesn’t seem like he did a good enough job teaching his son some ethical responsibility, but, again, that’s a different story).  In all the time that he’s filled in since Martin Luther King Jr.‘s retirement, JJ really hasn’t been that dy-no-mite.  Maybe a small reparations check endorsed by the good reverend will help me finally realize that I am somebody.  Oh, I’d like stock options in the Rainbow Coalition as well.

jerry buss

  • Next, I’m going to sue the late, great Dr. Jerry Buss.  When he authorized the trade that sent Shaquille O’neal to Miami, a little piece of me and my civic pride died.  I haven’t quite been able to feel the love of Los Angeles in the same way ever since.   Don’t get me wrong; we were too poor to afford anything other than Clipper tickets anyway, but the point still remains.  I wanted to be a part of Showtime and you sent my favorite player packing.  Thanks for all the great things you’ve done, but you’ve been dead long enough to face me in court.  Season tickets ad infinitum and a coupon for the California Pizza Kitchen at Staples Center should suffice.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! (Oh wait, you're probably not reading this are you?)
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!! (Oh wait, you’re probably not reading this are you?)
  • Finally I’d like to sue everyone who doesn’t read my shit.  I mean, I’d already be famous and spending my day blowing my money on nonfat no sugar tea lattes and having my pants altered (you try buying 30×36 at the store).  It’s your fault that I’m not doing better.  I don’t want your money, just for you to read my thoughts, maybe leave a comment and engage in dialogue, and hopefully follow me on twitter.

It’s time for us all to take matters into our own hands.  Punish the people who’ve made our lives more difficult by wasting everyone’s time and resources.  Who is your first defendant?

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