How to be Sexy

If you’ve been living under a rock, you may not know that Springtime is here. (Of course, if you’ve been living under a rock on the East Coast, you may be significantly warmer than the surface dwellers caught in all the damn snow, but that’s your fault for living back there anyway…).

Springtime in New York
Springtime in New York

As is customary for Spring, our attention turns toward new love (booty calls, jump offs, and one night stands count fully), skimpy outfits, sun tans, and bottomless margaritas. New beginnings are in the air! Some of you will be trying to come out of the funk of a sex-free winter. Still others will be looking to add to your  impressive collection of newly conquered flesh.  A few may even be taking a hiatus from frolicking to let your insides recover and the penicillin take hold.   As for me, I’ll just be trying to finish these damn scripts I’m writing, but I digress.

In whatever situation the Spring finds you, it is time to bring sexy back. (I see you Justin Timberlake circa 2006 and, yes, this motherf****** does know how to act).  This is your official call to shake off the winter doldrums, find your way to a Nordstrom Rack or TJ Maxx if necessary and start embracing all the wonderful and delicious components of your being.  It’s not about shape, color, sexual orientation, pocketbook, or shoe size.  Being sexy is about inner beauty.

That said, our outer presence can make our inner beauty hard to spot.  No one has time to sift through your bad attitude and horrible hair do to find out that you’re really a great person on the inside with a lot to offer.  Opinions are formed almost instantly and it takes a very long time to try to undo a bad first impression.  Recognizing that personal aesthetic is subjective and not everyone is into what turns me on, there are still a few basic guidelines that will help you maximize your sex appeal in time for the change in seasons.

  • You can eat whatever you want or you can wear whatever you want, but you can’t do both. This probably could have also been called the Honey Boo Boo rule.  It’s really simple: beauty is found in every shape, but you have to dress in ways that accentuate your best features. Remember, curves are beautiful but dangerous.  Something a little too fast and slick might skid off in the wrong direction.   On a similar note, there is nothing wrong with dressing one’s age. Be as young as you feel, but when you drop your high school freshman off at carpool, you should not look like twins.  For a further illustration, watch this awesome ad:

Oh, and ladies, don’t be upset.  This rule applies to men too.  Fellas, it’s called a muscle shirt not a man boob leotard.

  • If your grill isn’t working, cancel the barbeque. What I mean is – GET YO TEETH FIXED.  (If you have to choose between paying rent and getting braces, go ahead and skip this one.  Just work on a sexy foreign accent). First of all, commit to a regular brushing and gargling schedule.  I’m not talking super high maintenance but 1) the glow from your teeth should not cast a yellow beam in the night sky and 2) your ripe breath should not spell out the words you’re speaking in a cloud of halitosis like a funky closed caption.  Secondly, if your teeth are so crooked that you eat your food twice at the same time, consult an orthodontist.  Beauty is pain folks; but the beginning of the allure is the smile.
  • Better to let people think you’re a fool than to open your mouth and prove them right. Nothing turns hotness into ugliness faster than stupidity.  You don’t have to be able to pass a MENSA exam.  You don’t even have to have a college degree.  But you should know that “aks” is not a goddamn word.  And while we’re at it, neither is “conversate” and “nother.”  Step up your vocab.  Spend fifteen minutes a day on either CNN, NPR, or some other reputable news source (MSNBC and FOX News do not count).  Practice active listening.  Try engaging someone else in conversation.  Save your fringy rhetoric for four or more drinks into the evening.  Read a book other than the Bible — now that’s a whole nother post about which we could conversate….
  • Be good at being bad, but above all  be nice.  Second behind stupidity along the ladder of cardinal sexy sins is douchebaggery.  We all know/are that girl who loves the bad boy and can’t even have an orgasm that’s not at gunpoint.  But guess what, it’s not sexy.  That said, definitely engage your wild side from time to time; make sure you have a safe word though. It’s like part-time singer/crazy lady Rhianna says, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me.”  Having spices other than vanilla in your sexy kit is essential.  There is a time a place for everything though and outside of the bedroom is not the time or place to  be a dominatrix.  Treating people the way one would like to be treated (better perhaps?) will not only up your karma but people will be attracted to that beautiful aura.  Don’t be a fool though — for tips, refer up one paragraph.  Some people – douchebags – will mistake kindness for weakness.
By day she's an Avon lady.
By day she’s an Avon lady.
  • Get on the self-esteem train at Masturbation Station. RuPaul says it best: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love anybody else?  Being in touch with your, umm, feelings is hot.  Others can sense when you are self-confident and they are drawn to it.  Understanding your own needs and sensibilities and taking the initiative to bring them to fruition helps make one a better businessman and lover.  Spend some time in your proverbial pleasure box and get to know what turns you on.  Now, don’t become so self-absorbed that you chaff yourself and annoy your friends.  But until you master your own domain, no one else will.

Sexy times are ahead, folks. Revel in it.

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