For a long time my sister (in the way that you choose your family) had an orange cat named Max. Now I’ll freely admit that I’ve never been a cat person even though I briefly had one when I was a child. There’s something about a creature with retractable claws and a sense of entitlement that just keeps me on edge. However, I try to be fair to every animal, so I gave this particular feline a chance to be my buddy — that is until it scratched me with its claw and my hand swelled up to the size and color of an heirloom tomato.
Max is long dead and my sister has since gotten a dog (thank God) but the memory of seeing my hand look like it belonged to Sherman Klump has stuck with me. It is the image that I see when other people are scouring the internet for lolcats and cute felines doing adorable things. Some of you “ooh” and “ahh” and I just think about my swollen, disgusting hand and that freaking cat looking up at me like it wasn’t even his fault. I am not distracted by their cuteness. I see the truth in what is coming.
The cats are taking over the world. Need proof? Here it is: 16000 computer processors were turned loose to try to learn whatever they could about us from the internet as a part of the Google Brain project. What do you suppose they discovered? First and foremost, the computers learned to identfy and search for cats. (It’s actually pretty fascinating; read the full story here).
Thousands of years from now when aliens are rummaging through whatever ruins are left of Earth, they’ll find evidence of our once great society. They’ll consider the pyramids of Egypt and discover that our cat obsession is ancient and deep. They’ll find a Sunday edition of the Times and read a Garfield cartoon and realize that we love cats almost as much as we love being fat and lazy. Then they’ll plug in an old iPad relic and Meowth will appear or some clip of a cat chasing string will pop up and they’ll wonder exactly when the felines rose to power.
Friends, the trouble with cute kittens is that they take over your mind and ruin your ability to socialize properly with friends or stare at questionable content on the internet. It’s up to you to resist. Be strong. Get a dog.