Paula Deen — a deep fried, buttery n-word story

By now we’ve all had a chance to process the fallout from Paula Deen, infamous Southern chef and diabetic ninja,

Kiss my grits!
Kiss my grits!

admitting to using the n-word multiple times when she testified in a lawsuit  alleging racial discrimination and sexual harrassment against her companies.  (To be clear: by n-word I mean nigger/nigga/any other variation on the theme. I’m going to be using the -er traditional ending for this piece because the ending doesn’t change the impact in my mind and I don’t believe in the exclusive ownership of any word to any specific group. Let’s all say it aloud shall we?)

When I heard the story break I remember having a similar feeling I did when I learned that Tiger Woods was sleeping with every hoohah in Florida or that Lil Wayne almost killed himself from sipping too much sizzurp: not shocked in the least.  Let’s be honest for a second; how many old Southern white people do you know who haven’t said nigger once or twice or ten thousand times in their day?  It comes with the territory.

I’m not interested in justifying it.  You’ll make that call for yourself.  But for a woman who makes her living off of Southern charm and grits (and looks like she wears a whole lot of cotton if you catch my drift), I’m sure she’s said and thought a whole lot worse than that.

Not only am I not shocked by what Paula said, I’m not even slightly offended.  Having had encounters with more than my fair share of niggers, I can completely imagine the scenario that led her to want to say the word.  What offends me are the sneaky white people who wait for rap lyrics or try to slip a nigger into a smart-sounding question just to say the word.  In doing so, you’re asking your black friends for permission to use it or at least a free pass not to catch an ass-whooping.  If the spirit moves you to say it, just say it and take your chances!  Please report back to me how that goes…

Sidenote: Not all black people are niggers and not all niggers are black.  For a more detailed explanation please listen to Professor Chris Rock here: Bring the Pain!

.05K? Isn’t that like two houses?

And now here comes the backlash.  Ms. Deen’s contract with the Food Network will not be renewed as a result of this controversy.  I get it.  The Food Network and their sponsors have to appeal to all kinds of niggers and you can’t have people working for you sloppy enough to get caught saying wild things.  (I think that’s one of the main reasons I ultimately chose to be a comedian and not a minister, although that’s a different blog post altogether).  Personally I hate to see her lose her job.  I think it’d be much better if they gave her a co-host like Samuel L. Jackson so she has the proper street cred the next time she has to tell a nigger about him or herself.

Besides, if you’re not going to fire her for HIDING HER DIABETES WHILE SERVING FOOD DESIGNED TO GIVE EVERYBODY DIABETES, then I don’t see how you have a leg to stand on.  Oh and by the way, if you eat too much of PD’s food, you might not have a leg to stand on.

Sorry you’re losing your job Paula.  Maybe you can go stand with the niggers in the unemployment line..

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