So it’s been nearly a week since the United States Supreme Court issued two rulings in favor of marriage equality and, just as many people predicted, the world is starting to end. The signs are everywhere…
For one it’s been hot as hell. In the last couple days several places throughout the country have recorded their hottest temperatures ever. It’s been so hot in Las Vegas that prostitutes are giving handy Js for ice water. It’s so hot in Arizona that they’re thinking about letting extra Mexicans across the border as long as they bring fans with them. Coincidence? I think not.
And celebrities are dying now, too. TV’s most loveable mafioso James Gandolfini kicked the bucket one week before he had to witness this dramatic shift in
American cultural values. Yes, Tony Soprano whacked off a lot of guys; but there’s no way he wanted to see this shit. Even more recently, Matt Borne aka Doink the Clown passed away. Can you imagine what could make a clown sadder than a couple of lesbos wearing man pants making a mockery of matrimony? (Perhaps never winning the WWE Championship is a little sadder, but it’s certainly up for debate).
Now before you have a heat stroke or a heart attack because the California gays are getting hitched, there are a couple preventative measures you can take. After all, it’s very important that everyone feel comfortable and safe in the face of such dire circumstances. Consider locking yourself in your house. This will protect you not only from all the gays but also the heat. Be careful while you’re locked inside though to avoid the Bravo network (or really anything featuring taste and creativity — it’s a real slippery slope from appreciating a finely-stitched gown to appreciating a frolic in the steam room at the Eastside Club (hypothetically, of course)).
If you should find the need to venture outside at some point, stay away from rainbow-colored crosswalks. If for some reason the homosexuals in your area have yet to mark the streets, you’ll know you’re in the gayborhood by the increasing number of underwear boutiques and people in good shape. You may be lured into a den of iniquity accidentally so beware. People with the best of intentions have needed really good haircuts or wanted decorating advice or had an interest in seeing a show and found themselves interacting with the very kinds of people who threaten their existence. It is best to limit your social engagement to people who share your worldview so you never have to run these risks.
If you are still having trouble, you may just have to get over it. Hold your breath and take a chance that perhaps the sun will continue to shine and Tyler Perry will continue to make shitty movies. I recognize that we’re running out of target groups to systemically oppress. I also know that it’s difficult to see the world through someone else’s perspective. But maybe, just maybe, it’s possible to coexist peacefully enough live, learn, and grow better as people. With enough time you may find that not only is everything okay, it’s actually a little better. You can lose up to 15 pounds simply by letting go of excess prejudice. Whatever you need to lose beyond that you’ll have to work off at the gym.
If you’re still having trouble accepting marriage equality, chances are high that your only remaining options are to either move to a country where gays do not exist (Tehran is beautiful I hear and they have really great WiFi) or suck it up and get married to your gay lover who’s been making those eyes at you. Come on — we know why you’re holding out.