Who killed Michael Jackson

With news that Voyager 1 has left the Solar System, even the aliens of the universe know by now that Michael Jackson overdosed on surgery-grade Nyquil and moonwalked into the Great Beyond. It was not until a couple of days ago, however, that we thought we might get some clarity on who to blame for this tragedy. True, the shady ass doctor who pumped him with meds is already in jail, but that’s never enough is it? We measure justice in America in dollar bills, so the Jackson family went after the biggest fish involved in the whole scene. Well now a jury has found AEG not liable of canning the King of Pop. So we’re left to ask ourselves: just who killed Michael Jackson?

I’ve taken the liberty of assigning a blame percentage to all of the parties involved…

Conrad Murray

Conrad-Murray-In-Jail-67677Ole killer man himself.  Before Dr. M, I had no idea what Propofol even was and I come from a long line of proud drug addicts.  Aren’t doctors supposed to take some kind of oath or something?  For being the man holding the smoking needle and having already gotten convicted, Conrad Murray gets 33% blame from me.

Michael Jackson

I know I will never understand what it must have been like to be Michael Jackson.  His life was…complicated to say the least.  Having entered the world a cheeky little black boy and leaving a legacy of white children, Ferris wheels, bedtime stories, and Thriller of course, Michael made a permanent mark on our society.  But still, Michael, why couldn’t you have just been a crack head?  We could have helped you maybe.  (Do not see Whitney Houston as a reference….) For needing a surgical anesthetic to take a nap and letting Joe beat the black out of him, Michael Jackson also gets 33% blame from me.

AEG

The entertainment company that was found to have hired Dr. Murray was acquitted of any liability in Michael Jackson’s death.  But just for being a giant corporation that inevitably sucks the lifeblood out of people, they still get 14% blame from me.

Debbie Rowe

Now I don’t know her very well but it seems like trying to (pretend to) have sex with her would cost quite a bit of your soul.  Just for being Debbie Rowe she get’s a heart 10% of the blame.

mj

The makers of Jesus juice

Hey, we all have our Kryptonite.  Some of us just aren’t so lucky as to have enough platinum hits to buy the kind of attorneys that keep us out of jail for our weaknesses.  So good for MJ for being able to fight the system.  It is a little weird though that he could have so many sleepovers with such bad insomnia…. I choose to blame it on the alcohol, for a whole 6%.

The Devil

Isn’t he ultimately responsible for every bad thing that happens?  Maybe Prince should watch his ass because there aren’t that many thedevilmademedoitLOGO2powerful Jehovah’s Witnesses out there.  I’m pretty sure that this was a conspiracy from down under — even lower than China or Australia — to silence an icon.  Conrad Murray faced a crucible.  The devil made him do it.  And that’s why he gets 3% of the blame.

You

That’s right.  YOU killed Michael Jackson!  Because if you can’t feel his spirit every time you grab your crotch, you’ve missed the point of his career.  MJ is here with us always.  He’s in every Chris Brown as they rip off his moves.  He’s in every Robin Thicke as you wonder how grown men sing that high.  He’s in every face of Latoya Jackson.  Michael Jackson will live on; so never fear friends and fans.  But if you need to find the last 1% of the blame, just look at the man in the mirror.

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