4 reasons you can’t drive from a man with no gas

Apparently when the needle dips below “E” there is a chance that you might be out of gas. And so there I was, stranded at a busy intersection, growing impossibly late for a meeting, feeling like a donkey. But while I was stuck waiting for a little help and a little gas, I watched you #LADrivers.  Some of you are alright, but many of you suck.  Here are the things you do that are annoying:

And all this time I assume "E" meant "enough."
And all this time I assume “E” meant “enough.”
  • Rage first, think second. Yes I know I’m blocking your way and you have to go around. Here’s a shocker, though. I’m actually not sitting here for my health! I’m not just running a test to see if my hazard lights work under pressure. Don’t you think if I could move I would? What is the point of flipping me off? In the time it takes to curse at me, you could actually be past me and on your way to church or the hospital or wherever you were in such a hurry to get to. It is your right as an American to be an asshole. But just know that, like a true asshole, you stink.


  • Use the red light as salon time. I can’t tell you how many of you I saw giving yourselves complete makeovers in the car behind me while I was flailing my arms for you to go around me.  You picked your teeth. You patted your weaves. You put on makeup. You showed us all one big reason why traffic in this city is out of control. We don’t even need to talk about cell phones, do we?


The best part about doing your makeup in the car is that the mortician won't have to.
The best part about doing your makeup in the car is that the mortician won’t have to.


  • Drive like it’s day 1. It’s called being decisive, ladies and gentlemen. That’s where you assess a situation in front of you quickly and then make a move. It looks very different from freaking out that there’s someone stopped in front of you and then swerving like an idiot and almost causing a 10-car pileup. The way you drive suggests a lot about the way you live your life. Let’s pretend like we’re not all new at this.


  • Pretend to not even see me. You know who you are; when the light is red and you’re parked right next to me pretending you don’t see me stranded. In nearly 30 minutes of sitting there, exactly one person asked if I needed any assistance. Now I know we all have places to be. But surely there are a few decent Samaritans left in this city. It’s not just that people didn’t stop; people actively avoided looking at me. Well I hope you all felt guilty. Imagine if I’d really needed help.

Who you are as a driver says a lot about who you are as a human being. Are you a cautious rule follower? Are you an aggressive risk taker? Are you a giant crapbasket with little regard for your fellow man? I feel like I know people a little better after being still during rush hour. It’s motivated me to try to be a little better driver. I think I’ll start by making sure I have gas in the tank….

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