OK boys and ghouls, the Great Pumpkin is stirring. Halloween is upon us. By now you better a) have a good costume idea, b) a crap-o-lantern full of candy for the kiddies who come a-knockin’, or c) a good excuse for why you are so lame.
So now that you’ve committed to Halloweening this year, here are some basic rules to keep everyone safe (from being ridiculed by me).
- Have an original costume idea. We get it; everybody loves a sexy kitten. But seriously, granny, it’s been done a million times before. Oh no, a zombie. #yawn Put your own twist on it. Give that kitty rabies. Instead of hunting for human flesh, maybe your zombie is on the hunt for Red October. Surprise us with your creativity. And while we’re on it…
- Don’t think that just because you add the word “sexy” to your costume that it is so. Halloween is definitely a good excuse for a slut parade, but let’s understand the limits of what a short cut bottom can do. To be clear, you can be sexy at any size, in any shape; but you have to play to your strengths. What might be considered a thong on Kate Upton could quite possibly be considered a misdemeanor on you.
- Do go trick or treating, but if you’re old enough to drive bring a child with you. Teenagers out begging for candy is, frankly, sad. Besides, the sugar rush does not mix well with ADD medication. So be careful! If you are a grown ass adult and you’re out trick or treating, someone should get your driver’s license and slash the tires on your 1992 Chevy Astrovan. Does your parole officer know you’re out on the streets after curfew?
- Do find a good party. I prefer to take my talents and skimpy costume (point no. 2 notwithstanding) to West
Hollywood where all the weirdos of Los Angeles come to play. Wherever you live, though, find somewhere fun to be. If at all possible, make the fun at someone else’s house so you don’t have to clean up. It is perfectly acceptable to get shitfaced on a Thursday, so consider starting drinking before sundown so you can muster the courage to scuttle your ass around in that outfit you picked.
- Do find time to watch “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” Seriously, it’s one of very few things that keeps the world from imploding in total chaos. Your government will let you down. You will question your faith from time to time. Your significant other may surprise invite you to Maury Povich at some point in your relationship.
But Charlie Brown will never let you down.
Happy Halloween, kids. May all you tricks get treats.