5 People Running out of Chances

Some people just don’t learn. You give them a chance and they give it right back. We all know people like this; they stick their foot in their mouth, apologize, are given a break, and then are back in trouble before you know it. In most cases, these people are suffering from one of two debilitating diseases: acute asshole-ism or rampant dumbness. Either way, it’s hardly their fault; we as a society need to do a better job of making some people feel the consequences the first time, so they learn their lesson.

For a long time, this could have been called the O.J. Simpson Award for outstanding commitment to not getting away with murder.  Don’t get me wrong, the Juice is definitely on this list.  But he’s lost his spot at #1.  Here are my top 5 jackasses who should’ve just faded into the background when they had the chance or at least gone to jail the first time so they’d be better by now.

#1. George ZimmermanI mean really dude?  You killed someone after the

Strike two.
Strike two.

police told you specifically to leave him alone, got away with it because apparently getting your ass whooped while following someone is justification for murder, and now you’re in jail again for pulling a gun on your girlfriend.  The only person dumber than you is the girl with whom you were (allegedly) domestically violent.  You really should make like a midget on Facebook and keep a low profile.

#2. O.J. Simpson. No longer number one because, at this point, it’s more sad than funny.  To have the presence of

"If I Did It..."
“If I Did It…”

mind to write a compelling book but not to avoid robbing someone at gunpoint for a trophy….  What a waste.  You’d think with all that forehead a brain would kick in at some point and he’d have realized that fresh air is a more important trophy than a Heisman.


#3. Chris BrownHe hasn’t killed anybody (yet).  But I have no love for people who get sentenced to do community service only because they’re famous and then skip out on it (only because they’re famous).  If I beat up some girl like Young Breezy, I’d still be in jail right now.  So at least have the decency when you make an ass of yourself to apologize and move on.  Hell, don’t even apologize.  Just stop being a douche.  Stop (allegedly) hitting women and just dance your happy little ass through another video.

chris brown gif



Barely even recognized this guy.
Barely even recognized this guy.

#4. Edward FurlongIt takes a guy who’s on probation for attacking multiple women to follow a guy who’s attacked multiple women.  Actors are supposed to be committed, but when your ex-wife and your ex-girlfriend file restraining orders on you in the same year, that’s too much commitment.  Here’s an idea: instead of getting more probation, how about spending a year in a relationship with a cellmate named Bruce who knows how to hit back? Eddie, you’re not a good enough actor to warrant all the trouble you’ve been causing.



#5. Lindsay LohanLest we exclude the ladies entirely from the top 5, LiLo’s here to save the

Orange is the new black, and maybe a color with which our girl should get familiar.
Orange is the new black, and maybe a color with which our girl should get familiar.

day.  Plenty has already been said about her crazy antics (see latest paparazzi incident), and if she can keep the crazy train on the rails for a little while longer, we’ll be able to watch her continue to self-destruct on Oprah‘s network soon.  In Lindsay’s defense, she seems to not really be hurting anyone but herself.  However, the next time she does something outrageous — and there will be a next time — perhaps she should spend some time in big girl jail and come back the nice little love bug we all used to know.  

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