Will you be my Valentine?

We have once again arrived at the dumbest holiday on the calendar.

The time has come for you to prove your love spending all your money on chocolates and flowers and other things that will just end up in the toilet. You haven’t been so overtaken by American consumerist culture since Christmas.  It is time for you to catch up.

No matter who you are or what your situation is, you can be touched by VD.  Let me help you with some of the rules so you don’t get confused and get accidentally dumped or, worse, think you’re really in love.

valentines chart

Perhaps your relationship is new. (New is defined as that period before you’ve either had three fights or passed gas openly in front of each other, whichever comes first).  You’re at that point where everything your boo does seems great.  You don’t need some corporate holiday to show the world how you feel about each other, right? WRONG!  No matter what you hear, no matter what she says (and chances are ridiculously high that she will be a she) you had better participate in the Valentine’s Day game.  If you screw this up, you’ll be relegated to your first stint in the doghouse.  Beware of anyone who says anything like, “I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day.”  That means there is a $50 minimum.  You may hear something like, “You don’t have to get me anything.”  Understand that you also don’t have to ever have sex again.  Don’t be fooled.  Make your plans early and show your boo that you’re paying attention.

Perhaps your relationship is stale.  You’ve been together for so long that neither of you know when your damn anniversary is.  A good time to you and your boo is sitting on the couch and watching Jerry Springer, eating 100 calorie packs of Kettle Corn.  Maybe you think that you’re beyond VD. WRONG!  You need this holiday more than anyone.  Spice up your life.  Go eat somewhere new.  It isn’t about how much it costs; it’s just about breaking the monotony of your life.  And while you’re at it, have a threesome.

Perhaps you’re not in a relationship.  You poor, lonely, desperate single bitch.  You’ve “dated” so many of your girlfriends on Valentine’s Day that they all think you’re a lesbian.  Maybe all your guy friends have sig o’s now so you’re left hanging out with your left and right hand.  Every February 14th you start getting depressed.  Why can’t I find somebody Jesus? This day was designed to make me feel bad.  You think you need somebody to “love” you to be complete.  WRONG.  Nobody can make you feel better than you can make yourself.  Dry those tears, have a cocktail and treat today like any other Friday.  If you really need a little TLC, make a Tindr/Grindr profile and wait 15 minutes.  Call me with details.  Love is available for everyone.  But like air in a stuck elevator, it gets really hard to find when too many people are desperate for it, pushing around and panicking that time is running out.

vday coupon

Make the day; don’t let the day make you.  Don’t spend more than you should.  The only time love should cost over $100 is if it comes with a happy ending and a potential criminal record.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!  Remember, if Cupid sees his shadow, we’re in for two more weeks of puppy love. XOXO

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